Funny nativity - priceless

'Now, don't forget to sing loud and clear, children...'

Abigail's fractions

Abigail is 4 - note that, 4; it's relevant.  She's our oldest grandchild and a darling, like the other two.  She's bright as a button and sharp as a razor, and has just started school.  So Rachel, her Mum, decided to do some fractions with her.

Picture the scene, will you.  Mummy and Abigail, book open at a page showing a farmer with his sheep.

Mummy:   Here's the farmer with four sheep.

Abigail:  Yes, Mummy.

Mummy:  Now, if he divides those sheep in two, what has he got?

Abigail:  Four dead sheep, Mummy.

True, true.

Yorkshire ready to declare independence as medal tally rises?

...meanwhile, in an alternative* reality...

Is Yorkshire ready to declare independence as medal tally rises?

Our Northern correspondent Alicia Gilberthorpe Ainsley-Arkwright interviewed brothers Alf and Bert Greenlea after their recent triathlon triumph, where Alf gained gold and Bert, despite being given a one-hour time penalty after he mounted his bike two centimetres before the line, gained a bronze model.  Alicia began by asking about that penalty.

Alicia: So, Bert, you had to wait an hour because you’d mounted your bike early.

Bert: Ay, that’s right. It’s in t’rules.

Alicia: And that meant you came in a couple of seconds behind the silver medallist.  Do you think that’s fair?

Bert and Alf: Oh, ay.

Alicia: You do?

Bert: Ay.  It’s in t’rules, tha' sees.  Wouldn’t wanna cheat tha’ knows!  (Guffaws from both brothers at the idea.)

Alicia: But it was an hour penalty and you were only two centimetres early – isn’t that right? Just two centimetres?

Bert: Nay, lass, nay.  It were nearly an inch.  Rules are rules, tha’ knows.

Alicia: Will you be lodging an appeal?

Bert and Alf: No.

Alicia: You wouldn’t consider it?

Bert: No.

Alicia: Why not?

(At this point, Bert looks puzzled and glances at his older brother Alf, who decides to explain.)

Alf: It's alright, Bert.  'Appen t'lass is from dahn South.  Well, tha’ sees, (he begins) Bert got on his bike too early.  Tha' shouldn’t ‘a’ done that, tha’ knows Bert?

Bert: Nay, Alf, I know.  I dunno warra’ wa’ thinkin’ o’.’  'Ah tell thee, ah'm that ashamed.  That's not 'ow us Mam brought us up, is it?  To cheat?

Alf: Well, never mind.  Them kind men in t’office decided not to disqualify thee.  So tha’s gorra bronze medal.  (Bert smiles a winning, sheepish smile and looks up at Alicia.)

Bert: Rules are rules, tha’ knows!.

Alicia: How did you take up the sport?

Bert:  Ah, well, by accident really.  Our Mam were ill and we ‘ad to go get ‘er prescription.  It ‘ad been raining a bit…

Alf: Quite a lot, really. 
 Bert: Ay, well enough for t'street to be flooded, and we had to swim down to t'cross-roads.  

Alf: And when we got dahn there, well, t'road were blocked and we had to run ovver t'hill to go in t'back way.  

Bert: That only left us a little way away, tha' sees; and we were able to borra bikes.  

Alicia: And when you did get 'ome - home - eventually, you'd actually beaten world-record times, is that right?  

Alf:  I don't know abaht that.  We'd a' been quicker, but Bert stopped to chat up Mabel, daft 'apporth.  

Alicia: Mabel?  

Bert: Me wife.  

Alicia: You stopped to talk to your wife?  

Bert: Ay, well, she weren't me wife then, like.  I wa' just sweet on 'er.  

Alicia: And since then you've done all your training in the same Yorkshire streets, I understand?  

Alf: Ay, that's right. 

Alicia: Why didn't you go off to Miami or California like some of the other athletes?  

Alf: Well, tha' sees, it's me Mam again.  She like us to be 'ome in time for tea.  Miami and California - they're a long way away.  

Bert: 'Undreds o' miles, I think.  

Alicia: No, I know you couldn't have come home each day.  But you could have moved out there.  

Bert:   What, tha’ means live ovver there?  Warra’d I wanna do that for?  I wa' born in Yorkshire, me.  
  Alf: Ay, me too.  Though we did go to Manchester once.  Do you remember, Bert?  

Bert:  Ay, I do.  It were enough that, once.  Do you want to see us medals?

* Not, please note, an alternate reality.  That would be - confusing.

The Good Life

It's hard to say - which is my favourite sitcom ever?  It has to be either 'Yes, Minister/Prime Minister' OR 'The Good Life'.


Today I'm opting for 'The Good Life'.  Enjoy.

Holy laughter

I've posted this before, but it's worth a second post for those who haven't seen it.

Nine seconds to laugh

Epistemological Problems..

No comment necessary - the greatest of all sit-coms ever.

A new-to-me duo - hilarious

More Mastermind

Following on from a couple of weeks ago...

Jim Hacker

After yesterday's brief reference, here is the man who once said 'I must find out where my people are going, and lead them there.'

Morecambe and Wise - Mastermind

A truly awful photo.

What, the new one at the head of my blog?  Yes, I know it is.  But the old one - me and my granddaughter Abigail - is somewhat out of date now.  While I look for a better one, enjoy yourself with this...

Ring, ring - why don't you give me a call?

Wait 40 seconds...





The viola player is Lukas Kmit; his reaction is humorous, courteous and brilliant.

Furthermore...

One of these is good looking, intelligent and by all accounts a capable speaker.  The other one is me.

Or:

One of these has a sponge for a head; the other is Dr Bunsen Honeydew.

Separated at birth?

The mischievous Fr Z has posted these two pics on his blog.

One of them is a muppet. The other appears to be some sort of scary, orange-haired toy.

Blackberry problems?

Joy - cut-and-paste

This is a genuine cut-and-paste from the Tabernacle website today:

SPIRITUAL JOY - how it may be spoiled or increased (by Dr Masters)


Forgive me, but I found it funny!

Why won't they debate? The fear of God, perhaps?

Well, Monday is the day for humour.  So here's some, of a slightly different ilk.  Polly Toynbee, President of the British Humanist Association, has withdrawn from her debate with William Lane Craig.  Far be it from me to speculate...

Reagan: 'I'm (partly) to blame'

The Ultimate Camp Song

One week into my study leave, here's a song from my childhood for all those of you that are already thinking about Summer Camp.

Oh, deep joy!